Deep Thinker, Soul Searcher

After a discussion with my neighbour and friend yesterday about a family matter I have been dealing with, I began soul searching to see if what she said rang true for me.


A bit of background about the family matter......


My brother is 4 years younger than myself and although we grew up in the same househld with the same parents, we are very different.
My father moved out of the house when I was 8 and my brother was 4. I didnt see very much of my father until I was about 16. My brother on the other hand, saw him more regularly, they went to work together alot, and understandably there was nothing for me do or learn in the furniture removalist business.


I remember when I was 16, I had a conversation with my dad in his car, I was complaining about my mother, which was probably a regular occurance, and then he began to agree and additionally complain about her. Probably for the very first time, I jumped in and interrupted him. I told him that the continual pushing and shoving and camparing of my parents made me feel as though I was being split in half. I was tired of it and I wanted it to stop.
Now Im not saying he is the worlds perfect father or even man, But he is a noble and kind gentlemen. In that instant, he swore to me that he would never speak badly of my mother again and he apologised for what the back and forth arguments must have been like for me.


I am 45 years old and he has never spoken badly about my mother to me in all those years. Sure we have a few discussions and he tells me stories, some funny, some not so funny, but he respects the fact that she is my mother, no matter how difficult she is and how difficult things get. He reminds me I am a grown up and can make my own decisions.


From that day on, he and I became great friends, I learnt what respect meant. Unfortunately it was also the time when I lost my mother and my brother. Mum hated the fact that I was close to the man she soooo despised. She has never been able to understand our relationship, and as an adult I now see it as jealousy. That day has never been spoken about again, there has been no need. It came up for me yesterday, though, with some family stuff that has transpired.


Over the years my relationship with both my mother and my brother have deteriorated more and more. I know I share the blame or responsibility of this decline, but I have also accepted it on some level.


There have been many instances where I have been witness to things that I choose not to allow my children to witness, nor do I want to be at the receiving end of the violence and abuse that has been launched at myself and my children for all these years, and which continues today. On some level they are addicts and I find it very difficult and unecessary to be around them.


So in knowing a little history and what you may imagine often happens at my so called family events, I was called a few days ago by my sister-in-law, to invite me to her sons (my nephews') baptism and other sons Holy Communion. I have felt sick since the moment I took the call. Mainly because I have no idea what to expect, and if I think about it too much, I hate to think what to expect.
I was also a little disappointed that my brother chose not to ask me himself


I was explaining my angst to my friend/neighbour and she said that I can be quite confrontational. There was a few months when her and I didnt speak and she said she was reluctant to confront me. This is where the soul searching came in. My family stuff is one thing, but the issue with her was another. I was massaging quite regularly and I was dating a woman, My friend/neighbour was constantly making jokes and comments about her obvious disapproval of my relationship. She actually told me that it would pass and I had been massaging alot of women lately and it had made me attracted to women. It was that comment that had me take a step back. She was also telling friends to make sure they kept their undies on...


I guess there could have been something else that I am unaware of
But I guess that is also life.


I have decided I will breathe and I will go to my nephews baptism and I will take my daughters and I will be me. The alternative is dont go and be like them. I only know how to be me. It may be banging my head up against the wall yet again, but In the name of love, I will do that as well, and I will keep doing it because that is what we do in the name of forgiveness and love and compassion.


xxx

A Tantra Massage

Today I was asked to describe a way to explain a Tantric Massage to clients of a new centre I will be practising from. They are doing an editorial piece on myself and Tantric Massage for their monthly newsletter. A Naturopath, listening in at reception, asked if she could add something to the conversation, I said "Of Course" she asked "Can I be completely honest" again, I said "Of Course" She said she thought it was inappropriate and suggested I just call it something else so nobody would be offended and it didnt draw the "wrong type" to the centre. I just chuckled to myself. This is just the attitude I want to disappear.

To disappear something, first we have to acknowledge that it is present... Ok done that.


So how do we alter the thinking of western society.? Because it exists even in a Natural Therapies Centres.
Seems like a huge ask, maybe, but one I am up for... Bring it on I say.


So to the person and people who suggest to change the name, I say this.....


What we resist, persists. I have said that I am up for altering the perception of western society about Tantra, so if I change the name, I honour exactly what I am committed to altering. Intuitively I choose not to resist, just to explain as best I can what I do. I also explained to her that if there is a belief , which is an energy, in the centre, then we will have clients and calls from people thinking we are offering something we arent. Thats the way it works, if somebody or something is holding that space, then that is what will show up, and I dont want that for me or the centre. I have never had anything inapropriate happen, since I have been practicing, and I say thats because I am really clear about what I offer and what is available and what isnt.




A Tantra Massage initially consists of a full body massage, introducing the client to the 7 energy centres, known as chakras, in our body. I explain a little history about Tantra from Ancient times. As I am massageing and awakening each chakra, I ask certain questions or make certain statements relating to the emotional and physical aspects of each chakra. This is a wonderful oportunity to heal old emotional wounds, sometimes it can be thought provoking. Sometimes quite emotional. To release something we have been holding onto all our lives that we werent actually present to, then watch old beliefs and hurt fade away, can be a very powerful moment. I move up the spinal column activating and releasing blockages in the chakras with firm flowing strokes, nurturing and holding a space of love and safety for the client. I will explain the colour shape and relationship we have to the chakras and in longer or later sessions we can discuss breathing exercises and movements related to each Chakra.


The experience of a Tantric Massage can be emotive, sensual, blissful and therapeutic. It can be many things to many people. It is not a sexual massage at all, however we are dealing with the sexual energy in the body and this is not something to hide away or feel awkward about. It is the most powerful energy in our bodies and Tantra can teach us to harness it and use it to our best ability and to experience bliss and pleasure every moment of every day all the time.
Now what could possibly be inappropriate about that?




So if you are now eager to experience Tantra or a Tantra Massage, go for it. Do some homework, ask all the questions you can think of and make sure the practitioner you are seeing is aligned with your values.


There are bad apples in the cart, just make sure you see the signs before you take a bite, and dont worry if you find a worm, you will know, if your thoughts are positive and pure, you will find the best practitioner for you.




The Goddess in me honours the Goddess in you
Namaste
xxx 

The Firebreath Orgasm........WOW!!!!!

I have been reading "Urban Tantra" by Barbara Carrellas intently and intensely all year. In fact it has become the equivalent, or my version, of the bible. I am so completely inspired, not only by the book but by this amazing woman. I have not had the pleasure of meeting her yet but I would love her to come to Australia and teach her program here... hint hint!

I know its possible to alter the way you feel by altering the way you breathe. I also know that breath orgasms are not only possible but fantascally wonderful!

I often give my clients homework which consists of self loving and self pleasuring practices. It enables one to fall in love with oneself, which is the ultimate intention. When you feel love for yourself it enables others to feel love for you and enables you to accept that love. When love is present, all sorts of magic happens. When magic happens, love is everywhere.

Tonight, Magic happened. I did a session with a friend who is also my colleague and client. I will refer to her as Eve. We planned a 2 hour breathwork session to heal some current and some old wounds that have arisen in her life recently. It was a casual session, in my room, on my bed.

We began with some gentle breathing exersises to connect energies and some light tantra touching to awaken the senses. Some more breaths for relaxing and some for energising. Knowing, as Eve does, my feelings for Barbara and Urban Tantra, she asked what Barbara would suggest we do next. I opened my book to the chapter on "Breath and Energy Orgasms," What a great place to start :-) There it was "The Firebreath Orgasm" "Lets do it" she said "I'll go first"

I read the instructions word for word while Eve lay in position doing everything I said. It was the most amazing experience to watch and facilitate. It was the first time she had tried a breath orgasm and the first time I had facilitated one. The first step was to give up any feelings we had of whether or not it would work or what to expect. Everything else flowed like a script. I could see and Eve could feel the effects of Kundalini rising through her body. Interestingly, the feelings were stronger as the energy rose towards the higher chakras.

Eve didn't actually achieve an orgasm this first time, but she did love the experience and she said she was so close :-).

We spoke a little about the experience for both of us, and I'm sure there is alot more conversation to be had. I am so blessed and honoured to be allowed and trusted enough to be present for this most beautiful experience. It was intense and electric, sometimes arousing and extraordinarily joyful to watch and be a part of. I witnessed first hand how powerful it is to create a safe space to allow it to happen right here in front of me. I saw her pelvic rocking and writhing and verbalising in motion with the energy rising through her body.

We ended the evening with Eve saying she cant wait to try it alone, naked and oiled up with candles and music ..... I'm excited to hear the next installment. I promise I will keep you informed.

Thank You Barbara and Eve

xxx

More Boobies

They have been given the all clear from the mamogram and the ultrasound, but still, I just dont feel right.


I am seeing a specialist on November 15 to make sure. Not sure what she is going to say or do that will be any different to the last make sure, but hey, I guess a girl just has to wait it out. If something had showed up, I would have seen the specialist earlier. So I guess I should be grateful for that.
And I am, Its just that i dont feel right. They dont feel right at all.


I love them, I have always loved them, but to have them feel this way is so completely upsetting. They are sore to touch, it hurts to fold my arms or lay on them.


Im grumpy and irritable with my girls and Im not very nice to live with. I think they want to move out, luckily they are too young :-) I am opening a new premises soon. There is so much going on that I need to be present for.


Ok I need a healing, I cant heal myself effectively, so I need to go and see someone before the 15th November.


Ok, enough of the venting... Im off


xxx

Sex or not ?

When I first began to read and learn and study Tantra. I was really clear that I felt similarly about it as I did about Yoga.


What I mean by that is the first time I practiced Yoga, I had known for many years I wanted to try, but being a bit heavier than average, I thought I was too big . During my first class, I cried. I cried with a feeling of home, and I cried with frustration that I had waited so long to try it. It was confirmed for me that evening, that yoga was an extremely beautiful way to experience life. A way to breathe, a way to move, a way to live. Sure, on some level, it is a way to exercise, but its not about the exercise. 
The same goes for Tantra and sex.


Tantra is a way of life, a way to experience pleasure, it is also a way to heal and breathe and move and dance and feel on a deeper level than you have ever healed, breathed, moved, danced or experienced pleasure.


When I first began to realise that I wanted to study, practise and teach tantra, it was about all of the reasons above. However, it was and still is about altering societies view of tantra being all about the sex. I don't always have a problem with people associating tantra with sex, I only have a problem with it when they think that to study tantra means you have to have sex with your teacher, therapist, or anyone for that matter. In the words of the delightful Queen of  Urban Tantra, Barbara Carrellas, you can practise tantra with a partner of the same or opposite sex, or even on your own.


At first I was nervous about speaking to male clients and having to explain what I do, now I love it, I challenge them as much as I possibly can and I have never had a client that expected more than a non-sexual Tantra massage, well if they expected it, they certainly never let on :-) and they even more certainly, didn't get it :-). I still think I may concentrate mainly on Women and couples though.


It is the most beautiful experience to spend a few hours or a day with a couple and have them leave all excited about what their future holds in regards to their relationship. Just teaching couples to connect and touch each other makes my day.


Can you believe I am seeing a lesbian couple coming up from the south coast in a few weeks, who, because they are lesbians couldn't find anyone to teach them anything about Tantra. I was horrified to hear this. Are we really living in the 21st Century. I could hardly believe it. That is some of the small mindedness that I want to disappear.


How is this for small mindedness? I massaged a female friend of mine a few weeks ago, in her home, during the day, whilst her husband (now ex-husband) was at work and her child at school. She had been diagnosed with an illness and had to make a decision as to what to do in regards to her treatment. A mutual friend recommended me. I told her I would give her a full body Tantra massage for healing and unblocking chakras and releasing old wounds. It was an amazing experience for both of us. Later I was informed by a friend of hers that I was banned from the house when the husband found out, not only because I was a Tantra Massage Therapist, but I was dating a woman.... Heaven Forbid!!!!  He called me a Filthy Slut Dyke who wanted only to get into his wife's pants... Interesting huh!!!!  Not the only reason he is now her ex-husband, but reason enough.


I have had some pretty great sex in my life, you could even say I have been blessed, I don't even remember the bad ones, there have been so few. So it was difficult for me to imagine that I could experience something deeper or better after learning Tantra. MMmmmmm wasn't I pleasantly surprised. I really want you to get though, that it was not the having sex bit that got better... that was a bonus. It was the connection I made with myself, hence the connections I now make with others.The experiences I have had with myself during self pleasuring, breathing practices, movement, teaching couples to touch each other, when they had no idea they knew anything about touch.... all these things together have made me and every other partner, sooooo much better.


Speaking of self pleasure  :-) It's a really important thing to do
I tell my clients, (is there a better word for client?) to practise every day for at least a week, even if they don't feel like it. I do not tell them to go home and masturbate. I tell them to make love to themselves wherever and whenever the moment takes them, preferrably in private so they don't get kicked out of the supermarket whilst buying bananas, but you know what I mean. I tell them to light candles and play music and romance and seduce themselves and if they don't know how, I teach them.


So is Tantra about Sex........ Well No
But we are Human......And humans are ALL about sex  :-)


I am probably fighting a losing battle, but the only battle I absolutely LOVE to fight  :-)


Bring it on!!

Massage cont......

I spent the weekend, a long weekend, in the south of Victoria. Torquay, near Bells Beach, yes I know very hard to take. There was a small trip to Berlin I fitted in as well. Another story never to be told :-)


I was having a wonderful time, visiting my Besty for our birthdays, hanging with the girls, eating and drinking and celebrating in general. The weather was beautiful, I was relaxed and happy, coming back to a busy few days of massage and appointments. All was well in my world.......... Until......


Saturday...... I received a call that altered my entire life. I was so hurt, angry, disappointed and confused all at the same time. All I could think of was how could this happen, and what did I do to deserve it. Then i felt bad for feeling bad and tried to work out a way to get over it and still save my business. I refused to have it impact me for too long. You know when you speak to one of those people who just say something so beautiful and profound that they restore your faith in human nature??  Well this was NOT one of those conversations or in any way one of those people. It was the woman who owns my studio that I massage from. A woman I called friend. She was ringing to inform me that it had been rented to someone else. I knew it was coming, and I mentioned it in my last massage blog, but I also was told I had a few weeks to wind down and find somewhere else..... NO the new tennant was moving in the next day and I needed to get my stuff out today. A little difficult, as I wasnt even in the same state.


I know in my last massage blog I shared that something bigger and better must have been about to present itself, and of course, it has and I will blog all the details after its all confirmed on Saturday, but to receive such a call, really through me.


So I arrived home late Monday evening to find that all my belongings from where I massage were delivered to my door at home. Thats it. Finished. Over. No thank you. No sorry for the inconvenience. No Nothing.


I dont think I have ever felt so angry, and I really allowed myself to be angry. I went for a walk, I breathed, I meditated, I bitched and moaned and this blog is my last hurrah!. I shall winge and whine no more. I blame noone. I hold no malice or grudges. I have lost a friend but gained something so much more.


Our lessons are always there, right there to bite us on the arse when we least expect it.


I had no contract, just a handshake and nothing written , just trust.
I will never stop trusting, but I will always have a contract.


Who said, "Our biggest challenges create our biggest lessons"


SO TRUE  :-)


I will keep you informed of the bigger and better premises really soon


Love Love Love
xxx

Boobies

I consider mine to be two of my best bodily assets.


For the last month, maybe even more, I have held one of them much closer to me, more delicately or tenderly than usual as she has been rather sore.
I considered, hormones to be the issue, or convinced myself I had bruised her somehow.


Yesterday, after a month of pondering and convincing myself all would be well and I didnt have any need to hurry or worry, I had a mamogram and ultrasound.


It is usually in conversations I realise my grandest growth. I am a bodyworker and healer and coach, I hear myself every day, touching bodies, healing, coaching and conversing. And yet only today whilst speaking to dear Kat, did I realise I had kept almost everyone oblivious to what I was dealing with this last month. There are many people I have not shared this with, including my children. I only told the 3 people who I have been in direct contact with over this last week. These three people are very dear to me but not sure why I chose to keep it so close. Actually I remember thinking its all too dramatic, so I wont say anything.


I got the results this morning and they are all clear!


So why am I feeling so flat?


There is still soreness and some pain, and now I have to wait till Nov to see a specialist. I know it may seam a little dramatic of me, But last night whilst I was writing this, and at that point, I didnt have any results, I decided that regardless of what the results were I would blog about it.


Its all very well as a healer and a self declared life journeyer and self developer, that I share the wonderful and enlightening things that happen in my life. So after speaking to Kat, I decided to share the not so great moments as well.


As I sit here feeling a little flat, I am watching the 33rd and last chilean miner risen from the depths of despair to the fresh air above. What a wonderful moment for them and their families and the world in general.


It makes me wonder what I have to be worried about.


So I will keep you informed...........

Sex Sex Sex

Its all we think about, Is she too big, is he too small, will she like it, wont she like it???
(This is inspired by a Monty Python movie, I think it was Life of Brian)

Its a line that has stuck in my mind for many years. How true is it???.

Even when we are not thinking about it, we wish we were or we worry that we arent. If we arent doing it or having it or thinking about it, we are wondering why we are or aren't. We are wondering if we are normal, if she is meant to look like this or he like that.

Working on this new seminar to Empower Women in their Relationships, of course, has brought up alot of conversation and thought provoking discussions. Nearly every conversation I have or hear or article I read relates somehow to this subject. Im not saying it wouldnt be good for men, They are next :-)

I had a conversation with a man last week who asked me, and he was deadly serious " Why, when women get married, do they stop giving head jobs, or blow jobs oe anything oral for that matter. Is that true? It certainly was for him, and he had all his mates to back up his arguement.
What is it that turns us off?
Were we ever turned on?
Did we ever like it?
Maybe we just never cared enough to learn to like it. Im not speaking from experience here, Ive been practising since I was 16 and I have made it my lifes work to perfect it :-) Just this morning I was having a conversation with my business associate and I suggested that maybe we need to give lessons or workshops on the topic. I know there are instructional videos out there, how good they are im not sure. Imagine going to do a course on giving head!  That would be fantastic!. I dont think we would have too much difficulty getting male models to practise on.. Or would we?
Would women actually consider coming to learn?
Do women want to know how to do it and do it well?

I think they do

You see.. What I see as missing is that so called equality has had women think and feel differently in the last 100 or so years. Im not saying that "Knowing our place" was right, but the male / female energies were known and understood back then. A man knew who he was and what he was meant to do, he knew where he stood and what he was successful at. He felt comfortable and he wanted to be the providor and  the seducer. Woman took care of her man, she knew it was her role, she cooked for him, because he loved it, she cleaned for him, that was her role and she took care of the children and it worked..... to a point. As it is with people, humanity soon took over and all the roles got mixed up.

Dont get me wrong, Im all for equality and equal rights and equal pay. I Just still want to be a woman. I dont wear power suits, and Im learning more and more how beautiful it is to own and be in charge of my feminine energy.

It could be said that women today are made to feel that they should be something different, Im not saying thats wrong. I think we have come a long way in all these years. I certainly wouldnt be the type to lay down and be told what to do.. Well thats not entirely true  :-)  and is another story, to be told another time......in the not too distant furure :-)

What I am saying now is the balancing of male and female energies has gone a bit out of wack!. We are so busy trying to be equal, we have forgotten how to be a woman or how to be a man.

I know as a woman, I want to be in a loving relationship. I want to be wooed, and loved and adored. I want my man to be masculine and to undrstand what a woman likes and wants and needs. But for him to know all that stuff, We have to tell him, and sometimes we have to learn to tell him, from our feminine side. In a relationship that works, a woman needs to be in her feminine, not 100% of the time, just when its appropriate and when it works. In same sex relationships, its the same. We dont have to be male and female, but we do need to recognise that both energies are within us. It will all work and flow when we share the roles, not swap them.

It works for me to be in my masculine energy when, as a single mother, Im paying bills and running the house, and running my business and errands. It doesnt work for me in relationship with a man. When I give in to my feminine and allow my man to be masculine, we both win. He feels proud and loves to take control, he woos me and seduces me and always comments on how amazing we are together because I am so feminine and he is so masculine. I always allow him to drive, I never give directions, he loves to choose where we go and where we stay. If we lose the ego and allow ourselves to be women and our men to be men. Its the natural energetic rythm of life. Not alot of women, even men, I know, including my business associate, who I only spoke to about this this morning, would ever describe me as feminine. The breakthroughs I have had this year with my massage and healing is that I can choose to use it whenever I want it to work for me.

Now when I am in a relationship with a woman, and I love feminine beautiful women, it can be tricky, but the same rules apply. We just need to know when to use our energy and how. I dont automatically be in either energy, certain circumstances have me be in my feminine, like during sex or having dinner and wanting my meal chosen for me, and other times when we are obviously struggling with directions and my male kicks in. Im not saying it works perfectly, nothing does, but it does invoke communication and thats what its all about.

Sex I mean, is about communication.
Life is about communication.
Everything can be created and solved in comunication.

Its a fabulous topic and one I am committed to and passionate about.

This is the reason I became interested in Tantra. The lessons are endless. The more I learn, the more I want to teach and share, and the more I teach and share, the more I learn.

In a world where sex is a billion dollar global industry, we wil never run out of things about sex to talk and think about.

Id love some comments and discussion on the topic if you feel up for it

xxx

Friends Forever

What is it about Love Stories that make us cry?


There are many movies about the subject. Some are wonderful, some corny or cheesy, but all with love in mind.


"Love Actually" is my favourite. For many reasons, it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me sad, it makes me angry and happy all in the space of 2 short hours. I live a whole life in those 2 hours.
It reminds me that "Love Actually, really is, all around"


We are so truly blessed.
I guess today i am feeling a little melancholly.
Love has been ever present today.


A Love story................................


When I was 17 I met a boy. He was 18 and it was practically Love at first sight. My girlfriend at the time, my best friend really, had her birthday party at my house. Mum and I told her to treat our home just like hers. She could invite all her friends, most of which I didn't know, and the place would be hers.
She was very excited, particularly as she wanted me to meet this boy that she so adored. My friend was shy and so the boy knew nothing of her feelings.


When he arrived and she introduced me to him, I was hoping with everything I had, that this was NOT the boy she loved. He was funny and good looking, he was Italian and he was charming..... A dangerous combination. I tried to stay away from him, but everywhere I went, he seemed to be there. I went to play with my dog and he came to chat with me. I went for food and he was already eating. We talked and talked and talked all night. I was only young but I knew my friend would be crushed. I remember, even now, how obvious it was that we liked each other ALOT. My friend pulled me aside at the party, I remember this like it was yesterday, and told me "Its ok, go for it"


This boy and I fell in love that night. It was a love to last the test of time.
We were together for 5 years, I travelled, he travelled, we were, or we became more like siblings than lovers. But we were Lovers. We were wonderful lovers. We bought books, we read about sex and relationships. I am certain we are the reasons we are so fabulous today :-)


I was born on October 2 , I was due on October 14. He was born on October 14. It was obviously meant to be :-) We were together more than 5 years, and when we parted, we said "Friends Forever"
I knew there was nothing that could tear us apart. I knew our lives were headed in different directions, but I always knew we would not be too far away from each other.


In the last 20 years, we married, other people, we had children and we have been happy. I hear through the grapevine occasionally about how well he is doing and Im sure he hears about me. For many years there was a card on our birhtdays, then a text message for a few years. Then after a few brief encounters with each other, some good and some not so good, we lost touch.


I contacted him a few years ago to find that his dad had passed. I was really sad not to have been there for him, it was very difficult and his dad was quite ill for some time. An email or 2 passed between us, but nothing more for a few more years. Until yesterday :-)
Completely out of the blue, an email for my birthday. He apologised for being late but assured me he hadnt forgotten.


Love really is all the cliches it is accused of being, isnt it? Its all the song titles and movies and books and romance stories. I have known this boy, now a man, for almost 30 years. I havent seen him for almost 15, and one email with one sentence, takes me straight back there to my first love.


There really is something special about First Love. If I was to say it was my greatest It would be very true, however, I have been blessed with Great relationships and Loves in my life since my first. So I wont say that as I dare not invalidate all the love and lovers that have come since him.


Let me just say, I love him now as I loved him then
Friends Forever
xxx

Happy Birthday Me!!!!

45 and going strong.


I had a lovely day on Saturday. I was still up at midnight and my beautiful girls stayed awake to be the first to wish me happiness.
I received a letter from my youngest daughter, who was feeling bad that she hadnt bought me a gift.
Her letter was the most delightful thing she has ever written me and there have been many a letter and card over her almost 14 years.
I hope she doesnt mind, but I would like to share her letter here.....And i quote

Dear the most beautiful mother,

What I am writing isn’t just a happy birthday letter. This is to remind you that you are noticed for the things you do, its to remind you from the deepest part of my heart, I do love you. This letter is to remind you that your birth was a blessing to the world.

Mum, the things you do for me are undescribably undeserved (if that makes sense). You are the worlds perfect mother and I take that for granted.

I am writing this letter and thinking about all the things I have done wrong and also thinking about how grateful I am that you still love me just as much.

I know I don’t show it much at al mum, but I do appreciate everything you do for me. Just think about what I would be without you.

I try and think of another mother I would want, but I cant! If I had the chance to change mothers, I wouldn’t, couldn’t.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are my always and forever. You are just PERFECT

Mum, my dream is to follow in your footsteps. I know you have gone through a lot in your life and some things weren’t great. But the thing I admire most about you is what… who you have turned out to be. Through everything that may have gone wrong, look at how beautiful, delicate, loving, funny and just how AMAZING you are.

I sometimes wonder how I got the privilege to be your daughter. Why did I get picked out of everyone, to be your daughter?

Mum, you deserve the perfect daughter. You deserve everything that is perfect. You don’t deserve someone who smashes windows, who has a terrible attitude or someone who does not show their appreciation towards you and what you do.

Mum I am writing this feeling sad and disappointed in myself that I have somehow let you down, that I have somehow made your life more difficult. But what I fear is that in some cases I know for a fact that I have. And all I can say is that I am sorry for the past and all my future mistakes but you NEED to know that whatever I have done and whatever I will do, the love in my heart that belongs to you will never decrease or fade, It can only get larger.

I have spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to end this letter, but Maybe its time to say Happy Birthday to the most amazing mother I know. And also to say that I am sorry for not making this the greatest day for you that you truly deserve. And to also say sorry for all the spelling mistakes in this letter.

Mum, without you, there would be no me. Your love, your attention, your guidance have made me who I am. Without you I would be lost, wandering aimlessly, without you, there would be an empty space that I could never fill, no matter how hard I tried, instead because of you I have a reason to smile.

Happy Birthday Mum

Love

Alex

xxx

There are days, as a parent, that I wonder if i am doing a good job, if my children are happy.
Those days are becoming few and far between. I now have something to refer to when I wonder if i am loved or if i am being a good and true mother.


I asured my daughter after reading this, which took something, through all the tears, that she is the perfect daughter and we can work everything out, no matter what happens.
There is nothing for her to apologise for and we are very blessed to have each other.


What an amzing birthday
Now 45, Middle Aged - (apparently, I was told that today ) and very very happy.


Thank you to the beautiful family and friends in my life that contributed to my birthday blessings and celebrations


I love you
I Honour and Respect you
Namaste


Kelley
xxx

My Affirmation

I Kelley,

open my heart and mind to the divine

love of the universal Gods.

Love fills me and flows through me.

My gentle feminine energy allows me to have integrity and peace with my daughters and loved ones in all aspects of my life.

I am a free child of the universe.

I am safe and open my body and soul to the relationship that moves me towards

my highest good.

Massager

Massager.....
I think the correct way to say it would be "Massage Therapist."
Personally, I like Massager probably because its a bit wrong. I like toucher too, but it seems a bit too wrong


Its still a little new for me, the study of this art and healing modality. However, spiritually it has been my lifes purpose. A little cliche maybe, but precisely how I feel.

It wasnt until the beginning of this year 2010 that Lomi Lomi first interested me. I had never experienced it and I didnt know anything about it other than it originating from Hawaii.
I was continuing my journey of healing and growth, through many means including tantra, when Lomi Lomi was mentioned to me several times in a matter of weeks. I decided I needed to learn. I asked a fellow journeyman, who was in the process of learning, who was teaching him. He assured me there was only one teacher and her name was Dawn Charlton.
So after looking at Dawns website and reading every single word on every page, and still without ever having had a Lomi Lomi Massage, I knew it was Dawn who was going to teach me. I emailed Dawn and within weeks I had done level 1 and within a month, I had done all 3 levels and have been practising and living Lomi Lomi ever since.
The healing and the breakthroughs I have had during the 3 training sessions have been the most transformational of my life.
Dawn is a gifted, beautiful and generous woman.
Thank you to Dawn and Alex and all the wonderful participants I met at the workshops, I discovered my passion and love for me. I have created a business and a life I love and after 45 years of wondering and working for the man, I am now doing what i was born to do. That is an incredible feeling
I recommend anybody who is interested in Healing or massage or self development to check out Dawns website and book into the first available workshop on offer. Don't wait any longer.

You caould also call me to arrange a massage as well.
You will NOT be disappointed and at the very least, you will learn something, meet beautiful people, eat fantasic food and come away with a greater understanding of yourself and in turn human nature.
I love you Dawn
I love you Alex
Thank you Thank you

I write this today as I am feeling a little threatened, not in my ability, but in my premises.

I heard in the last few days that my studio which i have used all year, which i love and which shines with kelleyness and healing, may not be available to me any longer. I have been feeling a little off and trying not to think about the repercussions too much. However, my mood has been declining, worrying about what is to happen.

I just realised, whilst writing this that its perfect. It means that something wonderful is about to happen.

I trust in God and the Universe and a power much greater than myself, there is something or somwhere even more perfect on its way.

Massage, Tantra, Lomi Lomi, Touch and Healing has become my life. I love it, I read it, I speak it, I breathe it, I do it as often as I can. I am truly blessed to have the ability to offer it to whoever wants it.

It is so completely honourable to make such a difference :-)

Conversation to invoke healing

My friend from Melborne was up for the wekend, we had booked some time today for a chat, a catch up and maybe a massage.


For some reason the massage didnt happen but healng through conversation did occur. Physically i wasnt feeling great, but knew there was a conversation to have with her. She has some stuff to work through and a few barriers to beak down. I am honoured that its me she trusts with these things.


I am so blessed that every day i get to have conversations to make a difference. Its every day i realise what a blessing it is to have tantra in my life and how beautiful it is to share it.


We worked on clearing a few blockages in her chakras with some breathing exersises and afirmations. Its amazing to realise how we can change the way we feel by changing the way we breathe. We did some visualisations and I nurced her head in my lap for a facial massage.


She has some homework to do about self love and trust and acceptance.


You know who you are beautiful friend and i thank you for your love and trust today. I acknowledge you for your bravery and your willingness to look deep within yourself and alter old stories and belief systems. Im looking forward to speaking to you over the coming weeks and coaching you to a new level on your journey.


The greatest thing about sharing is what we learn in the process. Im realising more and more that the more i share, the more I receive, its a win, win situation. I am learning to trust my intuition on a deeper level and I am feeling it more profoundly in my physical body each and every time i touch.


Thank you to everyone who chooses to allow me to touch them physically and emotionally. You are all my inspiration and the reason i do what i do and love it so intently.


xxx

A Birthday Party to Remember..... for many reasons

On Wednesday my eldest daughter turned 16


We had an agreement from many years ago. As I was not and am not one of those organised and happy birthday party organisers, I made arrangements with them. My girls had a few early years parties, but we all agreed on a party at 10 for double digits, a party at 13 for being a teenager, a party at 16, because its sweet and then that was it till maybe 21, depending on our situations.


Now getting back to our sweet sixteen party.
I think I was nearly as excited as her. I did manage to plan and organise everything, well almost. I thought I was completely prepared (thought being the operative word here) I should have suspected something when I found it so difficult to book a venue.


Approximately 150 invitations went out.......


Let me just break here for a moment and fill you in on a little background information.


When my daughter started high school 4 years ago. It was just like every other child beginning high school, but she was mine, so of course everything was going to be fine.....Mmmmmmmm.


To cut a very long, but very important story short. She was targeted by the groups of , lets just say, Mean Girls, for not being one of them, for being too beautiful, not smoking and swearing and screwing everything that moved, for not having big enough tits, for having braces or being friends with the boys and not so popular people... You get my drift here, right?
After fighting the system for 3and a half years, 3 months ago, we decided to change schools. A risk. In the hope of creating a positive school memory to look back on with love not war.

Dare to Risk

To laugh is to appear the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach for another is to risk involvement.

To expose your ideas, your

dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken,

because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The people who risk nothing, do nothing, have nothing, are nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel,

change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves; they

have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

Author Unknown

So....... To even have 150 people to invite was a huge accomplishment. She was so excited and thrilled at the fact that everyone in her new year at school wanted to be a part of that new life.


On Friday night 24th September, the party began at 7pm.


We had the dress, the shoes, the jewellery, the hair and make up. I had a venue, balloons, Cake, 3 DJ's with a light and laser show, friends and I doing security, alcohol not permitted, a list of names at the door, no name on list = No Entry and Security wrist bands. I thought I had it covered.
Everything was going great. With a few extras coming through the door, bags being confiscated due to alcohol smuggling and a few strong confrontational conversations with 16 - 18 year old boys who thought they were all important and very cool, we were very pleased that everything was on track.
The party was due to end with the DJ's ceasing the music at 11 and everyone out by 11.30.


At 10pm, I was outside checking out the sly drinkers and making sure the girls were behaving and everyone was off the street and inside the fence.
All of a sudden, my vision was blurred as 2 young male upstarts ran passed me at the speed of light and jumped the fence. The next thing I saw was one of the DJ's at the front door with a bloody nose. The music had stopped, the lights in the auditorium were blacked out and a confused, curious and not so happy crowd was gathering.
Before I knew it there was an all in brawl on the outside of the fence. Punches were being thrown and boys were wrestling on the ground. I very quickly called the police, I was nearly knocked over in the rush of kids wanting to see the fight. I was busy trying to convince everyone to stay inside.


The police arrived, some older friends of the DJ looked a bit worse for wear. There was a little blood, a few injuries, my daughter was being consoled by friends. My worst nightmare was being realised.
I kept calm, I spoke to the police, the problem makers looked like they had moved on. However, by 10.15pm the party was over. I had all the guests organise to be picked up as soon as possible. After the police had left, some crazies arrived with metal bars to seek revenge on the kids that punched their friend.
I called the police again and gave them descriptions and vehicle registration numbers. Rumour had it they were headed about 500 metres up the road to the local McDonalds to "Get" the kids that caused it.
Unfortunately the police didn't make it in time. My daughters boyfriend was caught and bashed.


Everyone is ok, no one hospitalised, minimal damage, bruised egos and no doubt more physical ones, disappointment and fear and no doubt some emotional scars were left behind.


I was truly surprised and in some ways completely shocked at this behaviour. I knew it existed, just not in my immediate world. Some say I should have expected it, some say, oh well at least no one was hurt, some say at least the party was a success till 10pm and some say sorry. I say NO!


I say Peace. I say Love.


What can we do to inspire the young? What has youth at the, meant to be, tender age of 16 want to start a war? What makes youth have no sense of responsibility? What can we, our generation do to alter this in our youth? Is there anything we can do?


The police did everything within their power to help, they were great, but there was no respect for their presence, there was no fear of getting into any trouble. To some degree the police were handcuffed. The instigators got away, the victims are still out for revenge and wouldn't share any information with the police to have these boys caught and brought to justice... They wanted their own.


What are we as parents doing to cause this?


What can we be responsible for?


Who are we being in our life, in this world, that this behaviour is still occurring in the 21st century?


Something I keep close by and try to remember everyday.


Author unknown

Responsibility

Responsibility starts with saying you are cause in the matter.

Responsibility is not burden, fault, blame, praise, credit, shame or guilt. In responsibility there is no evaluation of good or bad, right or wrong.

There is simply what’s so and your stand.

Being responsible begins with the willingness to deal with a situation from the point of view that you are the generator of what you do, what you have and what you are. This is not the truth.

It is a place to stand.

No one can make you responsible, nor can you impose responsibility on another. It is a grace you give yourself – an empowering context that leaves you with a say in the matter of life

Has responsibility become a dirty word?


Does this idea of Responsibility inspire you?


If so, what can you see that may make a difference?

Anahata (Heart Chakra)

They sang to me. I vibrated with the songs from Sri and her crystal singing bowls.


On Monday i was taken to the most beautiful place.
I had been looking forward to my session with Sri for what seemed like weeks.
My friend Sri is a crystal healer and is studying healing with singing bowls.
I had no idea what to expect and didnt really give it much thought so had no expectations.


WOW!!! was my mind and body blown away and reconnected and vibrated and energised, all at the same time


Sri picked me up and we went to her home. We walked in to the main room, her healing room. There were these giant crystal singing bowls on the floor. I was shocked at the size of them, I had only ever seen a Tibetan brass singing bowl and that sits in your hand. You would be lucky to lift one of these things. We sat on the floor and Sri touched a bowl with a kind of donger :-) The sound resonated through my whole body.


We spoke for a while about what was present in my life, who were the people showing up in my life right at the present moment, and was there anything I particularly wanted to work on today.  Any particular chakra needing attention. We discussed a few things, my daughters my relationships, my visit with my mother the day before, finances etc. Things guided Sri to the idea that it was probably Root Chakra stuff that was coming up for me.
Root Chakra, (colour RED) is our 1st chakra, in sanskrit it is known as Muladhara. It is related to security and survival. Its the tribal Chakra concerned with issues of family, school, job, religion, nationality, politics and patriotism. It is also associated with money as money is connected to our survival. I agreed with Sri.


She also knew I was finding it a challenge to relate and communicate with a few people that it maybe my also be Throat Chakra, (colour TURQUOISE). I had a bit of a frog in my throat, so to speak, so i agreed.
Throat Chakra, 5th Chakra, sanskrit word is Vishuddha. Our throat chakra is the centre of our creative expression, the spoken word, actions, choices and will. When blocked can cause sore throats, dry coughs, gum and teeth problems.


I also mentioned to Sri that i thought i was ready for a new relationship and that i would like to work on that this year as well.


Sri continued to ask me a few questions and made me feel comfortable and at ease, We talked about the process that would occur over the next 2 hours.


I first listened to Sri play each bowl once. there were 7 main ones, associated with each chakra. I had to listen to each one and choose the one that best resonated with me at that moment. It was number 4,
Heart Chakra, (colour GREEN) sanskrit word, Anahata. Associated with following your heart, your hearts desire. its the centre of our being, 3 chakras below and above. Love, forgiveness, compassion.


I then selected 3 crystals from her divine collection. I chose Jet for grounding, and also the fact that the pieces she had were so beautiful and large and polished, I couldnt resist them. I chose rose quartz as its one of my favourites and I couldnt help but choose it. I also chose, after Sri pointed it out to me whilst looking for a green stone, a slice of the most stunning piece of chrysoprase I have ever seen.
I then was handed an artists pad and some colour pencils, Sri instructed me to draw what my heart felt like. It was a jaggered drawing, the colours were pink and green and it had a small spiral in the middle, but there were all jaggered edges like a star, my heart felt quite anxious.


Sri was going to select some more crystals and place them around and on me as I lay down on the mattress. She covered me with a beautiful warm rug and a soft and beautifully fragrant eye pillow. I lay on my back with hands beside me whilst Sri lay the crystals down.
Sri then read me an affirmation she had written for me which is so beautiful, I will share it with you later. I breathed consciously as she read and I repaeated the affirmations 3 times to the most delicious sounds of her playing these crystal bowls. At first I found it so intriguing I wanted to stop everything so I could watch her. I allowed those thoughts to pass as I lay for the next 15 minutes while Sri did a guided meditation. It was so beautiful. I can hardly explain how vivid everything was. I saw my father morph from a tree with roots so deep and strong. I saw my children as babies playing in a field while I watched them grow up, I nursed myself as a baby and loved myself deeper than anyone ever could. Sri's voice faded and for the next 45 mins I surrendered to a symphony of the most amazing sounds and vibrations I have ever heard. I just didnt want it to end. But when it did, i lay for a few moments to come back to earth and gather my thoughts to reconnect to my physical body. Sri removed all the crystals and I sat up. After making sure i was ok, drinking some water and eating some nuts and seeds, I was agin handed the artists pad and colour pencils to draw my heart. It was one great flowing, endless loving spiral, with many colours, deeper in tone than the first and although they were pencils i could imagine it was a water colour. It was gorgeous.


Its now 4 days since then and I feel amazing. In fact a few people have commented onj how I am occuring as so stresslessa nd relaxed and happy.
I actually feel, for the first time in a very long time, that i have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. Love is flowing through me and from me in all directions and I feel fantastic.


I write this for a few reasons, the first is because i am committed to blogging forever and i never want to stop. The second is because i want you to experience it for yourself and the third and most important is because i want Sri to get the acknowledgement of what an enormous difference she made to me and my life in a few short hours.


Sri.... Thank you beautiful, I love you, honour you and respect you.
Namaste
xxx

Generational Mother / Daughter Lunch

Sunday lunch with my mother came and went with practically no hiccups.


Thats ENORMOUS for me :-) I really am growing.


My daughters, my mother and I sat at the local RSL Club for an asian bistro lunch. Three generations at one table. Mum in her soft shoes and trackies. The girls all grown upo and dressed up. We looked a treat.


I hadnt seen my mum for almost a year and she looked quite frail. She turned 71 in July. We spoke about mostly trivial things and about my eldest baby turning 16, that was me 29 years ago. It did put a few things in perspective.


I said I'd share about how it all went, and i know its taken me till now, the early hours of Friday morning. Well, the first thing that happened is I wrote a huge story and shared some of the conversations and my thoughts and feelings, and i previewed the page to check the blog and the internet went down and i lost it all. I was so disappointed i havent written since. And I realised tonight that , that was just me throwing a tanty (tantrum). I also realised that it was probably not meant to be published. Now when i share with you I also realise that it was actually quite pleasant, and there isnt very much else I need to say about it.


My mother, My greatest challenge and my greatest teacher..............
Thank you Emily for your words of wisdom xxx