7 months has passed since i wrote a word or even checked this blog.
Unacceptable behaviour from me, I say.
I notice that because I was confronted by persons and happenings, that i had no desire to write, and when i had a desire, i found a reason, or a person, so as not to write.
Who am i that i allow another, or a circumstance to make me small?
This reminds me of the famous Nelson Mandela speech written by Marianne Williamson
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I love this quote <3
Opening the Hand Heart Soul Healing Centre, was one of the most extraordinary achievements of my life
I write this morning with some relief that it finally feels appropriate and necessary.
In my last post I spoke about an incident that occurred which caused me some despair. A complaint was made, my centre was vandalised and council closed me down.
I fought the good fight and I lost, the fight, not the battle :-)
On Thursday evening 12th May 2011, at approximately midnight, almost 6 months after i first opened the doors, I closed them for the very last time. It was a very difficult and sad day for me, but also for my clients and friends who have been there with me, loving and supporting me over the life of the centre, particularly the last two months of the fight.
For the few days that followed, I was almost convinced I had lost everything. The new premises I was meant to move into, for many reasons, fell through. I was again devastated, but not beaten.
The last thing i wanted to do was work from home, or change suburbs or share a house with another, let alone, all three. I have lived in this local area for 10 years. I soon realised I was attached and I was fearful that my clients wouldnt travel the extra 5 km
Be careful what you fear, for all your energy is spent on it, and before you know it, it appears, just like wishing I guess.
I moved to a very large almost overbearing home in a suburb I was determined never to move to, sharing with someone, which i was not going to do and working from home, Aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!
The lesson..... i was afraid, yet again, mostly that the lesson was going to be too immense to handle
It was the fear not the fact, that had me crippled, something I say I work on alot in my life and my business. Yet I found it interesting that I had fallen into the trap of being fearful, even too fearful to speak let alone write.
I was reminded of so many lessons i had learnt over the years, I could hear myself speaking to my self, my friends and my clients about what fear can do to us, yet I remained fearful.
My hands got sore, very very sore, i did a simple thing of sweeping up the pigs pen at dads farm, and I popped a rib out of its socket, it took 4 weeks of appointments with my osteopath to correct it. The repair came quite quickly when after one of my sessions my osteo informed that he thought I should consider a breast reduction to ease the strain on my back........ Ok if I wasnt determined before, I sure was now. He is amazed at how i have recovered, with the improvement of my posture in such a short amount of time :-)
He was unaware how attached I was to my breasts J
Oh i can be stubborn as well, I noticed my stomach was usually cast iron and it became irritable, no doubt with me. It was almost normal for me to be going to the toilet 3-4 times a day, sometimes waking in the night to go and i dont mean just a wee wee. I have been putting up with this for months and all the time, not writing as I didnt want to share my breakdowns without being able to share a breakthrough. Shame on me, I apologise for my lack.
What might you think of me, the therapist, needing therapy, like its a bad thing..... Its taken me till now to realise that we ALL could be eased by some therapy, some kind, and mine was even more necessary, being a therapist myself, and the one session I was having every week, i managed to find an excuse to stop, another fear?
I have had a sore throat and a niggling cough for months, it crossed my mind to think of my throat; the communicator, but i wouldnt even allow myself that. The fact I was not communicating genuinely on any level, was also making me sick, but i did nothing about it. Till now
So I am in this enormous home, working from an enormous room, sharing with an enormous friend… All too enormous to deal with really.
The house flooded, my friend and I didn’t like living with each other, my youngest daughter withdrew, my personal life was in the proverbial toilet.
Then…..
My daughter had made friends with and created some kind of codependent relationship with my closest friend for over a year and didnt tell me, nor offer me any information that my daughter was struggling emotionally, this lead to a breakdown in friendship… surprise surprise, and 2 more friends who were irresponsibly involved, also left my life. It destroyed my family, 3 friendships, both my daughters and myself were betrayed and my daughter left home to live with this person and then moved in with her father.
What on earth was this lesson going to be?? I wasnt sure i was ready to acknowledge something this big.
After speaking to Police, Counsellors, Therapists, Doctors, Parents, Friends, whoever would listen really, I was devastated and frustrated to find that as a parent of a slightly wayward, heavily manipulative and manipulated14 year old who had a mind like a whip, a smile to break hearts and a body equally as dangerous... I had zero rights. I had no say in what i wanted, what i knew she wanted, in what i saw, in the girl i birthed and knew every inch of her amazing body. She was 14 years old and told the authorities what she was doing and when and there was not a thing I could do to alter it.
Except sit and wait and prey and hope.
I found a strength in me that I had no idea was there. I found a place to stand, I honoured my stand, I planted my feet firmly on the ground and dug my heals in till i knew she was safe.
Thank you mainly to a support group called TOUGHLOVE
Then….
3 weeks ago I found an amazing home, I work from here now, and i love it and a week ago my daughter moved home, my throat cleared up, i stopped going to the toilet... so much, and I am writing
I also thank the universe and god and whoever i have met in my lifetime for bringing me to this place of peace.
I am blessed to be able to touch people every day and am grateful, even though i resist it sometimes, the way in which those people touch me.
Now.. surprise surprise… I don’t have the answers for you, I have had the breakthrough, I am discovering the depths of the lesson, which I will share with you along the way as it shows itself to me.
What I do want to say to you is that, we don’t have to know what the lesson is yet, we don’t have to know why, we just have to move on.
I posted a great quote the other day on Facebook which I would like to repeat here, it kind of explains a lot about what I and alot of others do, no doubt and I want it to be a reminder to us all that we take life far too seriously sometimes, and we are far to significant for our own good.
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analysing the situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifyig what could've, would've happened.. OR you could just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on!" TUPAC
Today i saw a client, who has become a friend, she knows who she is. You truly made my day/week when you said you were really looking forward to your appointment today. I asked you why, "any particular reason why you felt so in need of a massage/treatment today", you said " I was really feeling like a massage, but i really just wanted to see you"
Love and Blessings to you my friend and to you Mr LB
and love and blessings to you all
and to all a good night
xxx
